With Valentine’s Day just passed, I thought that maybe we should take a look at this topic. We’ve all heard the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” but is it true? Will a person that cheated on their other half do it again? This has been weighing on my mind recently. I know what it feels like to have your heart broken. Remember, cheating comes in different forms. To learn more about my story be on the lookout for my ebook coming out soon but for now…
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WHY CHEAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?
If your on this website it probably means that you are searching for answers on why your being cheated on. There are so many reasons for this. Some people cheat for sex, some to have control. Others cheat because they have unmet needs, and then there are some that just made a really bad decision in a vulnerable moment in their lives.
Most people are not looking to break their mates heart. Hell unless they are just trying to get out of a relationship they don’t even want their significant other to ever find out. That is for most people. But then you have the narcissists and the serial cheaters. The people that think that they are above everyone else. That their reason for doing whatever it is they want is perfectly okay. Sadly I believe that the younger generation is full of these. From some reason the younger generation seems to have this sense of entitlement. This is just my opinion folks, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true.
The narcissist cheats because they feel like it’s their right. They cheat just because they want to and your suppose to just accept it. That kind of person is probably going to fall into the “once a cheater, always a cheater” category just because they are usually only focused on themselves. (Not all narcissist will fall into this category, some are very loving and have relationships that can in fact work out). The serial cheater is the person that just can’t seem to get out of the cheating cycle. I think in the case of the serial cheater, they cheat because they aren’t happy in their lives. Serial cheaters make the choice to stay in a relationship possibly out of need (can’t afford to live alone, afraid to actually be alone) but are always looking for other ways to get their other needs met. Sometimes it isn’t even about the cheating itself, it’s more about the thrill of trying not to get caught. With that being said, I don’t believe that ALL cheaters will always be cheaters.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR WITH A CHEATER?
Ok, so this one isn’t a cut and dry answer. The narcissist will probably blame you for cheating because they like to project and blame you for something they are doing. A serial cheater is a hard one to detect unless you catch them, and the more they cheat the better they get at hiding it. Then there is the other kind of cheater, the one we haven’t discussed yet, the really bad decision cheater. This one isn’t usually planned or thought out, it just kind of happens in a moment of weakness. The bad decision cheater is the one that feels guilty for what happened and most likely won’t ever do it again. A bad decision cheater is usually detectable because they can’t live with the guilt and just confess. The bad decision cheater will most likely be the one that also is a dead give away even if they don’t just confess.
So how do you figure out if you have a cheater on your hand? Most people have really good gut feelings. Like me, I have great gut feelings! My husband was acting pretty much normal. He came home on time from work, we did all our normal daily activities, didn’t really argue or fight, and still had an active life in the bedroom. So how did I figure out something was going on? It was my stomach! I had this gut feeling that something was off so I kept my eyes open.
At first I thought I was going crazy, but then I started notice these subtle things. 1st there was the passcode lock on his cell phone, wasn’t locked before. Then he kept his phone in his pocket, he hadn’t before. Oh, and then there was the sudden change in his attitude on his appearance. Never cared before about that, and when I questioned him he said something about self esteem which was my dead give away that I wasn’t nuts. So if your gut is telling you something is off, it probably is.
CAN A REALTIONSHIP BE SAVED AFTER INFIDELITY?
Honesty, this one is a tough one to answer. It takes a lot of work to get over being cheated on and I don’t think you actually fully get over it. Being cheated on causes so much damage emotionally and is so very painful. More so than facing the death of a loved one. I know because I’ve been there.
Is It Possible to save a relationship after infidelity? It is, I am living proof of that. As insane as it sounds, our marriage is actually better than it has ever been. The reason I think it is better is because we both agreed to work on our marriage because we wanted it to work. I did a lot of research, a lot of reading and a lot of soul searching. Wanting to save your marriage has to be there, if it’s not then why bother. The cheater did you a favor in that case.
WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU SUSPECT YOUR MATE IS CHEATING?
Well to be honest, all the research I’ve done on this subject says not to confront them. Your suppose to make a list of pros and cons, reflect on yourself before you jump to conclusions. Research says to just keep an eye out until you have hard proof and even then you need to think about what you want out of it. All solid advice. But very hard to actually put into action during this stressing time.
So here’s how things went down in my house. I needed to find our pain in the ass son who blocked his location from me so I couldn’t find him but didn’t block his father. Of course I was up all night worrying about this child so I grabbed hubbies phone which wasn’t unusual and it was locked, strange it was never locked before. So I asked him what the code was and he ripped his phone out of my hand and opened it himself and clicked on the tracking app. Hello, could you be anymore obvious! So I immediately accused him of being up to something the minute I couldn’t use his phone I mean, why be so touchy on your privacy all of a sudden if you aren’t up to something? Why rip the phone out of my hand and refuse to give me the passcode? Keep in mind we’ve been married for over 20 years and this was never an issue before. Anyway, he decided to try to make a point, thought he was oh so smart and was proving that he was in charge by not giving me his passcode. He didn’t remember about the iPad though. He definitely didn’t remember that your apple products connect to each other. That’s right, mama had the iPad and all the proof she needed to take him and his howorker down, which is what I did.
Did it make anything better, nope. But did I feel justified of my accusations, yes I did. Should I have taken the route I did, probably not but to me there should be no secrets in a marriage. Which means, if there is a passcode on your phone, I should be privy to that code just the same as you would have the code to get into mine. If your being secretive and acting shady, your ass needs to be checked cause your up to no good.
I can’t tell you what you should do in the case of suspecting your mate is cheating. What I can tell you is how I handled the situation in my home. Now I can tell you that my hubby isn’t a narcissist, or a serial cheater. He actually just made a really bad decision when he was feeling vulnerable. He took responsibility for his actions and said nothing will justify what he did (flirting and sexting with his howorker) and he wishes it never happened. He knows how much pain he caused to not only me but his children as well.
I also owned up in my part of the situation. Yes, what he did was wrong and he knows that but had I been keeping up with my part of our relationship, our marriage wouldn’t have been vulnerable to begin with, that’s a topic for another day.
WILL A CHEATER ALWAYS CHEAT?
It’s only been 5 years since all of this took place in my marriage. In those 5 years we’ve rebuilt one hell of a marriage. We renewed our vows on a beach in Mexico and put it up live for all to watch. We treat each other with kindness and respect. Always putting the others needs before our own. We figured out why the indiscretion happened in the first place and make sure our marriage never gets to the point where it was when that happened.
Will a cheater always cheat? Deep in my heart I believe that if you have a good man or woman there’s a good chance that they will not repeat their mistake if that’s what it was. That’s what cheating is for the most part, a mistake that a human made. We are all humans and we sometimes make mistakes. A cheater will not always cheat, sometimes it was just a really big mistake, a poor decision made in the heat of a moment. Think about what you want to happen with your relationship and if you can get over the infidelity. Discuss what you both need and figure out why it happened in the first place, If you both agree you want to work things out then by all means, work them out. Work to rebuild your trust that you once had before this mistake happened. It can be done, I’m living proof, so go ahead, give it a try.
Always keepin’ it short and sweet and until next time friends live your happy life ❤️
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